Our Wonderful Training - Day 2

We were so excited to return for Day 2 of our training.  Our first segment was on the basics of Child Growth and Development with a slant toward how things might be unique for an adopted child.  We really appreciated that our speaker framed the discussion with Scriptures - several of them.  The one that stands out the most to me is Luke 2:52  "And Jesus great in wisdom, in stature and in favor with God and man."  I hadn't ever thought about how this verse incorporates every main area of child development.  Wisdom refers to mental, emotional & spiritual development; Stature refers to physical development; Favor refers to social, emotional & spiritual development.  So cool!  We were encouraged to be students of our children.  We were told that a common thread to reactivity in children (or anyone really) is grief- something we must always keep in mind rather than simply disciplining behavior.  We were challenged to be the rock solid place of peace for our children - a non-anxious presence of healing in their lives.  We were called to guard our child's heart and to read Ted Tripp's book Shepherding Your Child's Heart.

We discussed Discipline, Boundary Setting and Parenting Styles- things we could have talked about for days.  I loved these parenting objectives we covered:

• Train up your child according to their uniqueness
• Prepare children to love and be loved
• Prepare children for responsability

It was fun to think through different things we could do to help with the transition.  Objects or activities we can implement to comfort our grieving child and help ease the transition.  Things like pieces of music birth mom listened to while pregnant, books she may have or could read to the babies in utero, clothing or objects that might represent their connections.

After lunch we watched a documentary on interracial adoption.  It was challenging, heart breaking and eye opening.  Here are a few quotes from an adult Korean woman adopted by a white suburban family in Oregon.  They loved her dearly but never discussed her adoption and she bore the scars.

• "If my family accepts & embraces my Korean identity then I know that they adopted me and not just an idea."
• "Adopted kids learn to not trust their emotions because they are grieving when everyone else is celebrating."
• "I'm not interracial alone - we are an interracial family.  It's not my burden but our burden.  But they refuse to carry it with me and if they do its as if its a favor.  And that hurts."
• "Adoptees work hard to protect the adoptive parents because they are told they are lucky to have been adopted."
• "biological resemblance is a powerful and constant affirmation of belonging and identity."
• "families adopt -- adoptees adapt"

This woman was speaking from her position of so much pain.  It brought to light so many valid and crucial questions when facing being an interracial family. 

Next we talked about Newborn Baby Care!  This was fun :)  Each table was given a couple of baby dolls that we practiced swaddling and diapering and I will admit...I cuddled and held our bundle of plastic as if it were a real little one.  I really appreciate that our agency included this in our training.  I think most/all agencies require adoptive parents to attend one of these and most of them are given at the hospital and filled with big, round, pregnant bellies.  I am so thankful we didn't have to deal with any of that!  We talked a little about lactation induction (breast feeding as an adoptive mom) and it was really interesting.  We considered it and learned more about it before we decided it wasn't for us.  I really really wanted to give it a try but decided not to anyway.  The basics?  Taking several pills (hormones & herbs) 4 times a day, renting a hospital grade pump and pumping every 3 hours for 20-30 minutes on each side (and once through the night) and about $2000 all with a 50% success rate of any significant milk production.  Yikes!  I applaud those women who make it happen!

Lastly we had a panel of birth relatives share their stories and answer questions.  The panel included birth moms, birth grandmothers and one birth dad.  It was honestly the most overwhelming and difficult part of our training for me.  Each of these women (except for one) had very open and close adoptions.  One woman takes her child on vacations and has him over for sleep overs!  Several of these women chose adoptive parents from people they already knew.  All of the women expressed their peace and confidence that they made the right decision for themselves and their children, but all of them obviously felt deep pain at the same time.  They referred to the children as 'my son' & 'my daughter'.  They built friendships with the families before the baby was born, spent time in their homes and talked on the phone.  All of this really intimidated me and quite honestly scared me.  I think I will continue to grieve at different stages the loss of being a child's only mother.  The pain of knowing that my child comes to me with an already broken heart that I cannot simply fix or pretend away.  I left the training in tears, telling David that there was no way I could do this.  No way I am strong enough for this.  I had thought newborn adoption was the 'easy' form of adoption but I no longer have that perspective.  Each form of adoption carries with it its own set of challenges and pains - for the child and the parents.  One of the things mentioned somewhere in this training was that grief is the one thing that all members of the adoption triad (child, birth family, adoptive family) have in common.  That resonates deep in my heart to this day.  But as I've reflected on it redemption is also something we all have in common!  Hope and healing.  I pray that the grief is acknowledged, respected and then given the God so that we can all focus on the redemption rather than the pain.

I was sharing all of this with a mentor of mine- my fears and insecurities, my anxieties and questions surrounding adopting and child- and she encouraged my heart so much.  Let me share with you what she said.  As an adoptive mother going through this process and walking this road, God is calling me to a place that all women should start out in as mothers...a place of true selflessness.  Raising a child is not about me, its not about the mother, its about the child- its about putting the child first every moment of every day, of letting go of them.  Entering into motherhood as the "second mother", I am in a sense having to let go of my child before they are even a concrete thought in my mind.  I am not in control of one detail - not any facet of their prenatal care, there is no birth plan I get to make - none of it is in my hands.  It's almost as if I am entrusting the first 9 months of my child's life to a stranger.  Kind of an unusual way to look at it but it makes sense.  What encouraged my heart so much is that this struggle is not something that I am alone in but one that every mother faces.  Some not until their child heads off to kindergarten or high school or even college, but all nonetheless must let go of their children.  And in some ways, the sooner the better for the child to become who God created them to be rather than who mom wants them to be.  My first common ground challenge as a mom.  I like it.

Like any good period of instruction, we feel like we left training with more questions than answers :)  By no means do we feel 'trained' and ready to be parents but we are so excited for the journey God is equipping us for.  We cannot wait!