Our Wonderful Training - Day 1

Its been 3 weeks since our training already and I am finally in a place where I can write about it!  Our training was really incredible but it was definitely a roller coaster of emotions- at least for me.  Lesson to self:  don't be controlled by your emotions.  It's exhausting.

We spent a bit of time getting to know the group of people we were with.  Our group was about half in the domestic infant program and half in the international program.  A couple of the families were from out of state and had heard so highly of Hope's Promise that they deemed the travel worth while!  One table seated a family of relatives to the adopting couple because they had gotten the call literally that morning that they were chosen by a birth mom who had just delivered in the hospital and they were with their baby!  WOW!  That brought cheers from around the room.

Each table put together a couple of lists.  Expectations of the birth mom, the adoption process and the agency.  From the birth mom nearly everyone expected honesty, respect, high emotions and flexibility.  From the adoption process the general expectations were that it would be long, costly, worth it, emotional and life long.  From the agency we expect honesty, timeliness with paperwork/process, understanding of the pain involved, child focused and training.  It was a helpful conversation.  Of each table to compile expectations (about 14) only one put on the list that they expected a BABY out of this process :)  Its the obvious given but everyone had a laugh when the facilitator (Hope's Promise founder) gave a huge sigh of relief upon finally hearing it.  "Phew!  I was getting a little nervous!"  :)

Our first chunk to get through was all of the legaleaze of adoption in the state of Colorado.  Did you know that Colorado is one of only SIX states that require families to use an adoption agency vs. hiring an adoption lawyer?  Interesting.  We also learned that the birth certificate has birth family information on it only along with birth name until the document is sealed 6 months after placement.  At that point the birth certificate is altered with adoptive parents names and adopted given name.  Birth mom makes every decision in the hospital.  She will make a birth plan ahead of time as to when we will be to see/hold/care for the baby but there are almost always changes to that plan.  We were cautioned not to get too attached to the plan, to stay flexible and to avoid adding any sense of obligation or guilt to the relinquishment process for birth mom.  (Scary stuff!)  75% of birth moms choose 'expedited relinquishment' where they sign over all legal rights to the baby 4 business days after the birth.  There is no requirement of a paternity test, but every possible father must give consent to the adoption process as well.  This can sometimes really slow up the process.

Next was the all important openness factor.  At our table one of the adopting fathers was adopted as a baby through a closed adoption.  The pain of this choice created a very clear desire for the most open relationship they could have with their baby's birth mom.  Here are some brief definitions. 

• Closed : no identifying information (last names, address, emails) exchanged and no contact
• Semi-Open: no identifying information but contact through a third party (typically through the agency)
• Open: exchange of identifying information and uniquely shaped plan of direct contact

Where do we fall?  Somewhere between Semi-Open and Open.  We appreciated our speaker recognizing that it is hard to imagine and define a relationship with someone you've never met.  She paralleled this situation with one of trying to define your relationship with your in-laws before you've met them or your spouse.  It was also interesting to find out that this relationship is not legally binding in any way.  It is not a contract it is purely a relationship and is flexible.  We were encouraged to tell our baby his or her birth story and adoption story from day one.  Practice before they can even speak and it will be a constant part of their experience.  Once they are old enough to ask questions and get involved with their story you, the adoptive parents will be completely comfortable talking with them that it will be no big deal.  Our speaker shared a humorous story where her adopted son was sitting at the dinner table complaining about eating his broccoli when he suddenly got quiet and then said "I wonder if my birth mom likes broccoli."  With their level of openness in adoption she immediately responded "Well, would you like to call her and ask her?"  He said "No" and that was the end of it.  Sometimes these little questions can become so much bigger if there isn't an option to discover the answer.  Just knowing he could know was enough to keep it from becoming a big deal.  To be quite honest, we see the benefits of this but that level of openness is a little intimidating. 

Our next segment was about attachment and bonding - TRULY fascinating stuff and my very favorite part of the training.  Bonding is a spontaneous emotional relationship that develops during pregnancy.  Every child is born bonded to their birth mother.  Attachment is a chosen relationship based on the ability to give and receive love and occurs after birth.  Even a newborn placed for adoption deals with grief a loss of all they have ever known and must choose to reattach to his or her adoptive parents.  This is where the all important attachment cycle comes in.  30-50 times EACH day a baby goes through the calm--> need--> need met--> trust built cycle.  If the baby's needs are not met, the trust is not built.  This is a key cycle for healthy attachment for 1-2 years of the child being in your family and is heavily tested by the child 30-60 days in to the relationship.  Baby will often attach to dad first and easiest because dad was not the child's loss.  Baby has already lost a mom, so attaching to mom is more challenging and requires much greater risk on the part of the child.  We were encouraged to make and keep baby's world small for the first couple of months at least.  For us to be the only ones that meet baby's needs in order to create this attachment and to become more skilled at loving them than they are at rejecting love due to their loss.  A quote that stuck with me was "Many are committed to answer the call of adoption but not equipped to pay the cost."  I was a bit surprised and had not realized that even our adopted newborn will grieve a huge loss from day one- not just when they are old enough to consciously process their adoption.  I cannot wait to build trust with my baby!  Our book includes a list of 27 symptoms of an unattached baby- a check list of sorts to think through when the baby is 3-4 months old to see how emotionally healthy and attached our baby is at that time.

We finished the day on medical and health issues.  Shaken Baby Syndrome:  happens in seconds, 20% die, average age is 7 months, 50% of the time by loving parents.  "No baby has ever died from crying, but they have died from being shaken."  Know your limits.  Walk away.  Genetic risk factors, environmental risk factors (second hand smoke, chemicals, stress...) and Prenatal substance abuse of which alcohol is the most severe and long term.

We left day one feeling really excited and hopeful- so very eager to have our baby in our arms, love on him or her and build our attachment.  This was a really great day of training - more to come in a separate post on Day 2.